I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
