Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
