I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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