i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
My vagina just recognized that song.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
