did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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