We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
