Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
