im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
