I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
