i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
