A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
sarcasm needs its own font
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
