failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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