Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
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