Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
