I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
