jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize