so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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