ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
