bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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