turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
