Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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