Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
