My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
