i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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