My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
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