My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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