I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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