can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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