wrigley field is MILF paradise
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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