You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
