I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
nutella sex= disaster
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Randomize
