I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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