the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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