he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
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random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
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I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
God I need to hump something, right now.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize