she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize