Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
