At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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