I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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