I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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