the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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