I saw his package. It spoke to me.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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