im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
