Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
