I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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