I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
