I just threw up on my dentist
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
