My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
