just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
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afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
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I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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