Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
