I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
