I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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