Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
