She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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