Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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