I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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