toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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