So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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