the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
